How do you define family? Have you ever actually thought about it? How about friend?
I have become very careful in my word use over the years because It is very important to understand the words you use. If you don’t, you not only don’t truly know what you are saying and that can lead to problems, but words have meaning. Beyond the obvious definition and understanding of communication, words effect you and your brain on the subconscious level. For example if you call someone a friend or call them family and they are abusing you or mistreating you, this causes a disconnect in your brain and view/understanding of the world even if you don’t consciously realize it.
Now most people, who care about anything other than themselves, subscribe to the thought that family is the highest possible level relationship and they typically define family one of two ways…
1. A: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children (Nuclear Family)
2. A: a group of persons of common ancestry (Your blood Relatives)
This is in my opinion both too restrictive and too forcefully inclusive. Some of your biggest detractors and saboteurs will come from people in these definitions, more so from the blood relatives. To that end I would have to say I use a definition closer to this….
1. A: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation
This how ever while being closer is not specific enough, just because we believe the same things or belong to the same large group or have similar affiliations doesn’t make you family. That is no better than lumping in all your blood relatives, it still lacks something key, Loyalty. Now I have always been a subscriber to the theory of quality over quantity when it comes to relationships but in recent years that has grown to a new level and I have come to the following conclusion.
People in your life fall into 1 of 6 categories
On a scale from worse to best, Enemies, strangers, acquaintances, blood relatives, friends, and family. Let me elaborate.
ENEMIES: People who don’t like you and would seek out to hurt you if they got the opportunity. This could physically, financially, emotionally or any other way they could hurt you.
STRANGERS: The majority of the world will fall in this category, these people are neutral for the most part, in the sense that they don’t care one way or the other about you. They simply just don’t know you. If something happened they might help you on the street they might not there is no way to tell and they cannot be counted on to do so. They might and that would be a lottery win for you but thats about it.
ACQUAINTANCES: Less then friends, and by my standards people that most people consider friends fall into this category. Your coworkers probably fall into this category 99% of the time. They dont seek out to hurt you necessarily, but they can’t be counted on to help you either if it was inconvenient to them or if there was a benefit to them not to help you. This in common in corporate environments because if you screw up your coworkers typically look better for promotions. They could also be people you have met once or twice or Your relationship is one of convenience, such as school, where you are forced into proximity for periods of time but you dont see each other out side of that. Maybe you or they are too busy for more than that or maybe you or they have no interest in more. If you have to qualify their friendship such as “work friend” or “gym friend” then these people are acquaintances. These relationships may seem empty or one sided. These could also be people that are friends of friends, friends of family, or depending on your tribes size, family members of tribe members that you don’t have a familiarity with yet. The closer the relation ship of these people get to you or your tribe the more they should be considered to be loyal to you or your tribe and help you if necessary and you help them if necessary. Next to Blood Relatives, a lot of your detractors and saboteurs will come from this group and the people that most people consider friends.
BLOOD RELATIVES: These People are related to you by blood and ancestry, and could be considered by marriage as they are the blood of your spouse, that is it. This is what most people consider family and they typically put this group above all else no matter how toxic a relationship it might be. This is unsafe and unhealthy to privatize a relationship simply because your DNA is similar. Some of your biggest detractors and saboteurs will come from this group whether well intentioned or not. Even if this wasn’t the case, you likely have better relationships with people unrelated to you, than you do with some of your blood relatives. You may not even know any of your blood relatives and because of this they are closer to acquaintances generally than anything else.
FRIENDS: These are people that you have active relationships with. You make a point to reach out and talk to each other, you probably started as an acquaintance, its just how these things work. You may or may not have some shared history, you may or may not have know each other for along time. Regardless, you have each others best interest in mind, and you would help each other if you can if something came up. This is a higher standard than most people place on their friends and because of that, by my definition these people will be supportive, they won’t try to sabotage you, or your goals whether accidental or on purpose. This is where most of the people you should consider your tribe will be and where you will find your brothers, and depending on your situation where these people will most likley stay.
FAMILY: The cream of the crop, your inner circle. These people may be blood related, but they dont have to be. Blood relation doesn’t get you into this group loyalty does. These may be people you served with in the military, they may be friends you have known for years. You definitely share history and most likley some life changing events hopefully good but likely some bad too. You dot have to question if they have your best interest at heart and you wouldn’t think about crossing or back stabing them in any way. These are the people that will drop what they are doing to help you if you need it and vice versa. These are going to be the hardest people to find but are a invaluable part to your life. This is where your brotherhood should fall. the tightest circle of your tribe. Your brothers should feel like family, thats why they are your brothers.
Obviously people cannot become blood related and then loose it but as a whole people in your life will likely rise and fall through this scale.
Typically if you trying to build a tribe or brotherhood you would want to start looking in as a high a category as you can. Start with who you consider family already and you will likely find some people, if you don’t then look at your friends, if not or you want more look at your blood relatives and or acquaintances and see who might have potential and work raising your relationship with them.